American Attitudes

Americans have become increasingly separated from dealing with death and dying over the past hundred years or so. In the not so distant past, it was common for family members to live together in multiple generation households, so they were used to being around one another to a degree often lacking in modern America. Just as folks took care of the people with whom they lived, they also cared for those who died among them.

Friends and relatives kept a deathwatch as the life of a loved one was approaching its end. When someone died, their family would prepare the body for final disposition, in accord with their religious practices. These preparations were frequently done out of a sense of duty and tradition, but often were a necessity for the indigent and those living in frontier conditions. Our not-so-distant ancestors viewed death as an inevitable aspect of life, not as a source of horror and revulsion. But, over time, attitudes toward death and dying have altered as we have become more insular individuals.

Have you noticed that in modern America, we don’t die? We may pass away, move on, expire, kick the bucket, give up the ghost or even buy the farm. We become dearly departed and are laid to rest, rather than buried. Sometimes, I think we will do anything we can to avoid speaking about the subject of death in a direct and forthright manner. Maybe we Americans have trouble talking about death and confronting it head on, because we have been insulated from it all our lives. We don’t typically live in multiple generation households any more, so when our elderly relatives die, it takes place elsewhere. That is, most people no longer die at home, but in nursing homes, extended care facilities, hospice, or hospitals.

In the very early 1900s, a profound change in the American attitude toward death took place. After a death had occurred, we started handing off the duties of preparing the bodies of our loved ones for final disposition to someone else-the funeral director. And if that’s not enough, the person to whom we give this responsibility is a stranger in the vast majority of instances! The focus of the grieving and funeral processes moved from the private home, to the commercial funeral home. Can you imagine what our ancestors three or four generations back would have thought of this? By retaining a third party to prepare the body for disposition, we further insulated ourselves from death. While in many cultures taking care of the body of a dead relative is an honored tradition, in modern America it has been reduced to a simple matter of writing a check for services received.

Barring tragedy, most of us do not have to take care of a dying or dead relative any more. As with any skill that isn’t used, our collective ability has atrophied. Even so, there is a small but growing resurgence in a return to the old ways. That, however, is a tale for another day.